I had lunch with my pops today, always enjoyable, and we both got to bitching about work. I want quit and move out of Austin. Whatever. Paris in 2011, baby! If I can last that long, maybe sooner, maybe someplace else in between. I'm thinking somewhere hot. Hotlanta? nola?
I explained that when I first begin a job, everything is new and provides constant stimulation for my brain whether it is challenging or not. Because of this I learn about the growth opportunities and imagine myself on a successful career track, promotions, enjoying every minute. I network, I learn the other jobs, I tell everyone it's a great job and I can see myself working there for years.
Within a few months, this enthusiasm has melted and refrozen into resentment. I hate the job! In the case this time, there are some very HUGE advantages to keeping my job: I make more than I deserve and it is enough for me to pay my bills, enjoy life, and start paying down debt; my coworkers are sometimes enjoyable; I have freedom; I have a boss that respects me. All great things. But all big picture.
I don't live in the big picture. I live day by day, and my coworkers do get on my nerves, the job is not challenging, there is tediousness, there are no windows, it's sooooooooooo boring, and I would rather be doing so many things with my time. It is such a struggle! I have to constantly remind myself that if I put my nose to the grindstone for a few years, I will free myself from the chains that bind me and be able to move, start a business, explore the world, whatever. But the grindstone hurts, yo!
As I explained this to Dad, he just shook his head and had a kind of sad/amused/conspiratorial smile on his face. You are truly my daughter, he said. He relates to the T. His job allows him enough freedom (at this point) to not be in the office everyday, and believe me, he takes advantage of that. That fact, along with having soul-crushing debt, is why he has stayed in his job as long as he has.
He says I need to be my own boss. The way my brain works and functions, I can't have a list of things to accomplish for someone else in his opinion. That is one of the reasons I pursued a film degree. I think it has a lot to do with how my brain works - that statement about new things being stimulating. That is why I like to travel. That is why I enjoyed long drives in the country when I was a kid - the constant changing scenery. That is why I was accepted to UT as a Russian major, changed to Film, tried double majoring in Film and American Studies, finished just Film, and went back a year later to first study History, then Cultural Anthropology, and that changed to Physical Anthropology. It's why I didn't go to grad school - I can't decide what the hell I want to study! Everything is super-exciting for a few months and then I burn out. I can't figure out how to get over the hump.
6.26.2008
I am my father's daughter
6.12.2008
Finally! The answer is...
Yes, I am a little ashamed that I carried that much luggage for a 5-day trip. I didn't have my hairdryer, but I did take my laptop (which is huge and heavy) and two books in my suitcase. Also seven pairs of shoes. My excuse: weather called for sunny and rainy, and I had to dress for work and play. So I basically had two outfits for the three conference days.
Here is further confirmation:
And, no, it wasn't exactly 45 lbs. It was 44 point something, but I don't remember. Congrats to C, that's two in a row!
6.07.2008
New Quiz!!!
Okay, thanks to everyone who participated last time! Even though there was only one real guess, all 4 readers of this blog did comment, and the comments were superb. The question section of this quiz does not include a photo, but the answer portion will. Here it goes:
I just returned from a trip to Boston. I checked my baggage and took one carry on. My checked baggage weighed:
A. 24 lbs.
B. 38 lbs.
C. 15 lbs.
D. 45 lbs.
E. 69 lbs.
Good luck!
12.21.2007
"I will be out of the office...
...until January 3. If you need anything, you can contact the UT Development Office at blah blah. Have a happy Holiday."
Ha ha, I had to leave a out-of-the-office voice message and email auto-reply for the first time evah! Redonk. I'm so thrilled to be done until the 31st when I cover the front desk on a skeleton crew day. my jobs not bad, just nice to have extended time off. punctuation and whatever be damned! I'm not setting my alarm once until January 3.
8.30.2007
first day
the tech guy loaded iTunes onto my computer, and told me I could put music on it and share my library if I wanted. they left me alone for about two and half hours. I have my own phone and recorded a message. I can (eventually) decide what my hours will be. the supply closet door remains open at all times, I can get stuff without asking. they will order me a lamp or clock or new chair or whatever I need to be productive.
you know what all this means?
they TRUST me! my employers don't think I'm trying to steal from them, get away with not doing work, or that I'm a child.
wow.
8.08.2007
I did it!
I start my new job Thursday, August 30th. I'm very excited, and so is my soon-too-be new boss. That is just super.
8.06.2007
little updates
phone interview for a job today - didn't do so well! I do better when I can see a face, eyes.
um, I'm thinking about entering a recipe contest with a variation on my "this is good shit!" cake. yes, I will invite certain individuals over for taste-testing.
perseids peak this sunday night! as of now, just partly cloudy skies forecasted, keep your fingers crossed. it's a new moon that night, and that is a huge improvement over last year (or the last shower I tried to watch which was in the spring, I think).
interview tomorrow with the job I'm most excited about! I will be on the ball for that one, no kidding.
I'm looking forward to watching the shows we recorded from shark week. yeah, I know, but seriously there had better be a lot of shark teeth-in human flesh action or I will be disappointed.
started reading a sci-fi book, the first in a long time, recommended from a reading list. like the plot, and I've only read the first few chapters, but now I remember why I find it difficult to get into genre lit - the quality of the writing is lacking. it's not one of the legendary authors, so I wasn't expecting anything revelatory, but I was hoping for some finesse.
must read: in africa a thing is true at first light and a lie by noon... started it, but never finished, and a conversation saturday reminded me of the potential.
ciao!
7.30.2007
Bad girl
I ordered stamps from the post office last Monday. They arrived today. TODAY, one whole week later. And in a gigantic priority mail envelope. WTF? The postal worker came to our mailbox everyday except Sunday. That means they had five chances to bring me stamps from where they work, I don't get it! If someone knows more about this mystery, please tell me.
Not all bad news, Andy rearranged the furniture to how I suggested last year. It looks awesome! Our living room feels so much bigger, and the TV no longer dominates everything - I am happy.
And good good news: I got a call for a phone interview that will happen on Friday. I applied for this job over a week ago, and it's one I'm super excited about. But I'm not going to say anything more yet.
Ow, my wrists hurt. No more typing!
7.23.2007
Don't ask me about the job search anymore, plz. Seriously.
This afternoon I was really upset about my job situation. I've applied to at least 17 jobs since May 15 - maybe 20 - and I've only had interviews at two different places. At those two places, I had very positive feedback about my resume and interview, and was invited back for a second interview both times. One of my professional references also said my resume/cover letter was great.
SO WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!! Why can't I get a job? Over two months, almost 20 resumes, and only two bites? I am incredulous. And frustrated. And tired. Some days, I'm at my wits end. I keep repeating in my mind, "Tomorrow someone could call," and telling myself I'm doing everything I can by applying to a few new places a week, following leads from former coworkers and bosses. But those pep-talks only last so long - and my work week is 40 hours. Forty hours of monotony. Forty hours of soul-crushing monotony that also happens to be chipping away at my body, part by part.
Sometimes I hate this city so much. Move back to California, fuckers! All those tech douche-bags brought their significant others who have taken and are taking my jobs! AGH!
So anyway, how bout this weather? Right now it's raining and I'm outside on my balcony. Very soothing. Our pool is closed. I wonder if it is unclean.
6.03.2007
Year in Review
So it's not officially mid-year yet, but ohs well, I gonna do this anyway.
January: I don't remember...Oh! I got a shitload of extra days off from work due to the death of former Pres Gerald Ford and bad weather. Was very nice, and I had a really fun time walking in freezing rain around the neighborhood. No one was out, and I almost fell right when I passed the only other person out. Very funny.
February: I started really walking a lot, think I was going about every day. Had fun in my thesis class. Work started getting boring. Desperation sneaking in...
March: Decided at last minute to apply for grad school. Still walking, but some major issues towards the end of the month with my legs. Health problems, minor and confusing. Frantically trying to work the last numbers for thesis. Beautiful spring, those peach tree blooms smelled more amazing to me than anything else has pretty much ever smelled.
April: Crashed and burned. Major health problems, confused, confused, confused! Didn't talk to friends for a few weeks. Sat this one out. Couldn't walk or turn pages. Fam came over for birthday, brought yummy food and cake. Waitlisted for grad school. Got better towards the end.
May: Just making up for lost time. Didn't finish thesis, didn't do presentation, finally a social life again. No more sick time left! Started walking again mid-month. Mucho improvement health-wise, but still a ways to go. So mysterious, this illness. Back to thesis with my bud.
June: So far, can't complain. Thanks for the snacks, guys!
5.14.2007
C. Y. A.
One day several years ago, at some relative's house, I was goofing around with my sister and cousins, and I knocked over a glass bowl or something like that from a coffee table. I don't remember if it broke. What I do remember is immediately exclaiming, "Sarah!" as if she had been the one to knock over the bowl. I was a teenager. I was reflexively covering my ass.
I tell this story to illustrate that I do understand how sometimes it just happens. We go on the defensive. We haven't been accused of anything, but know it's coming. Or maybe we just go around with a chip on our shoulder, or we are guilty (of something similar?) and are rightfully defensive. So I understand. I do it too.
I am so sick of hearing it at work! All day long, it's "Well, Someone did this first," or "But Someone told me," or "I was told by Someone that Someone blah blah". No one is willing to just say, "Okay." There's always a big explanation, a shifting of blame, or some mysterious Someone involved that will never be named. Do they fuck up that often? Do my coworkers feel that threatened? Am I just so new that I have yet to feel the boot of management up my ass? Maybe after working there for 10 years, they take simple questions as criticism. The work has become personal. Or maybe they are just like me, reflexively covering their ass. I don't know. I just wanted to bitch.
3.26.2007
For Twinkle Toes
You asked what is shaking. Here it goes:
Up at 6 AM. Work at 7. Very, very sore from practicing Wii baseball so oneday I will beat Pandy Bear. Listened to Martha Wainwright Martha Wainwright (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her), Kate Bush Aerial, Tori Boys, PJ, pet shop boys, Transformers soundtrack, and assorted podcasts. Spinach salad with tomotoes, salmon, cucumber and dressing for lunch. Scanned and cleaned scanner. More soreness, black ink on nails (which are longer than ever because I am too lazy to cut them. Good thing my toe nails don't grow so fast!)
Deposited check from Pandy Bear (for services rendered), got change to do laundry.
Thought about grad school, job, my This is Good Shit! Chocolate Cake that I will be making for this weekend (for future reference: do not buy chocolate for a cake a week in advance because I will consume most of it), and should I wait for it to stop raining before I take Friedrich out?
Read article from New York Times Magazine about adaptationist and byproduct views of evolution of belief in God (just in time for conversation mom and I had last week. Mom: So why do people believe in God and religion? Me: Um, well, if it has a biological basis, which I believe it does, it is somehow tied to evolution and principles of natural selection. It has to be beneficial or be linked to something beneficial... Mom: Like what? Me: I don't know. Mom continues asking questions with no answers, I continue saying more or less the same thing over and over). I like this Atran guy. Dawkins strikes me as unnecessarily defensive, explosive. Can't we all just get along?
Read other thesis students' two page summaries of thesis. Alton Brown is making things in parchment pouches. I wish Pandy Bear ate fish.
Will I ever be able to enjoy a glass of wine or good martini with little physical problem again? Annual salary: 21, 264. Wtf? It seemed like so much when I wasn't working. I would love to have another bunny, but evidentally, male rabbits are prone to fight with each other, and they molest female rabbits constantly. Dell wireless is fraught with problems.
Coconut sorbet is yummy. Antony and the Johnsons is waiting for me at the library. Library instead of Netflix? I could save about $13 a month. I haven't read a novel since January. I love this neighborhood. I want lots of fruit trees! I prefer rain to cloudy sky.
I tried to include pictures, but for some reason uploading one small photo of Mr. F was taking over 10 minutes, so you'll have to be patient.
PS Kelly broke down when the guy tried to rape her at the dealer's where she was buying coke. Brandon *sigh* rescued her, and she's in rehab now. I know you all were wondering.
12.18.2006
First Day
I love orientation! Just listening to "blah blah blah" and fill out paperwork - and I get paid for it! I'm excited because I also found out that I get to listen to my iPod while I'm working. Yippee!
9.25.2006
To Do by 2 PM Today!
Will I get everything done? On Friday, I made a list of things to get done by 2 PM today, here's what's left:
- Apply to jobs (6 total)
- Finish Bramblett vertebra chapter
- Read Skelton & McHenry article
- Organize thesis resources
- 5 candidate papers for their molecular-based trees
Wow, now that I listed it out, it doesn't seem like too much. On Friday I found the jobs to apply for, and over the weekend I read 3 articles for a class and looked up resources a prof gave me. Yeah, I can manage time! (Premature celebration? We shall see...)
In other Mr. F news, had J and P and A over to watch some movies. J and I watched THE HUNGER and could not believe how amazingly gorgeous Catherine Deneuve was and is. Seriously, have you seen her? She has aged so well. She's put on weight, which I think is a smart thing to do as you get older (it's natural, right?), and she obviously took very good care of her skin. Makes me want to wear long sleeves and a hat - my arms are so much darker than any other part of my body, mostly cause I wear pants pretty much all the time.
But I digress. THE HUNGER was very enjoyable, poor David Bowie! Had a little of the Dorian Gray action going on. Then we watched POLTERGEIST. Hilarious! Seriously, though, it was a little too long. The whole second ending thing? For me, I only appreciate it if the second ending is about five minutes long. An additional 20 minutes or so is too much! My mind and body are all prepared for the movie to end, then it doesn't - makes me very annoyed, not scared! But overall it was fun. The weather was all stormy and moody. And P and A brought cookies! Yummy!
8.09.2006
Must get work done...
It sucks not having internet access at work. As some of you may know, I have a bit of flexibility at work - my job is such that I don't have to commit 100% of my brain power to the task. However, playing a computer game or looking at a magazine is quite different than reading an article on abnormal spindle-like microcephaly associated blah blah. This means, after I numb my brain listening to the tapes and playing diner dash or whatever at work, I have to come home, snap myself out of it and somehow focus on a very difficult (for me) subject of which I know little about. And the words are so big!
I have a meeting with my professor tomorrow. My goal was to have an idea of which direction I want to go in for this year's research/thesis: genetic study or cognitive experiment. I still don't know! I've done hardly anything. I have been very unwise with my time. Deep breath...
I have done some fruitful things. I am beginning to rewrite my proposal and I am gathering a bibliography together to turn in to the honors advisor. I have almost finished a group of related articles on ASPM. But it's so daunting. The voices of self-doubt are so loud. How will I come up with a research problem that is original, within limited budget and facilities, and something that can be answered accomplished in nine month's time?
Any ideas about how to deal with stress or manage my time? Words of encouragement?